Review: The Lords of Salem (2012)

Where do I start with this movie? Do I go on a tirade about Rob Zombie and his legacy of questionable film making, or do I just try and subjectively look at this subpar ‘original’ film? This was the film that soured me so bad to both Zombies. I really had to question my thoughts previously on any film they did together. I really am very liberal with movies that fall heavier on aesthetics and score vs. solid writing.

I’m into that even, BUT this movie is so lackluster, badly written, visually dull, and poorly acted that it’s vaguely interesting story was not going to save it. The wardrobe is TERRIBLE. We have a movie about satanic witches, and all we got was a bad mall goth poster child for painful cosplay? Those dreads, the stupid stripe sweater, the child’s quality skull make up (which is hardly even in the movie) is so sad!

Where is the aspiration of this lead? It’s offensive, really. I have a problem with Men making movies about witches if they don’t take the time to develop the story into a very pro feminine woman experience. This is an excellent example… time and time again in this movie, we are forced to look at Sherri Moon in various states of undress but never with any purpose or reverence. There is a lot of full-frontal nudity in this movie, but it is never really used in anything more than an ugly, shocking way or needlessly placed for rating. I loved Sherri, but this role is the worst for her. She lacks any real skill to portray this Heidi as a human; you may care about more than seeing a boob, butt check, or grinding on a goat Black Metal style in possibly the most ridiculous un needed montage scene in a movie ever. The saddest part is one of the only scenes where Rob Zombie gives fans any of the music video style that actual fans want from one of his movies.

I love The Lords of Salem song itself! I love the idea of this movie, and frankly, the Wikipedia plot reads a more interesting story then watching the actual film. The story is disjointed, and it feels dated (but not as a choice), the shock value never really leads to anything truly groundbreaking… just quick moments of teenage status punk angst to upset the conservative viewer. BORING. I want to tell you all the things I liked about the movie, but other than a lot of great actors aside from Moon, I don’t have much. This movie is easily forgettable, and if you are forced to remember, you are just kind of mad… because you got cheated. You never really got a real movie out of this… there could have been so many cool sequels or prequels. I guess I can only hope another director who likes to remake other people’s movies picks this one AND actually makes it correctly. Till then, I am not judging you when I see you dressed as this character, but I am.